Previously, on United States of Tara...
Look, we knew when you went off the meds
the whole gang would resurface.
I hate you for not fucking me.
I am buck, and I will fuck you sideways.
Wait.
I'm having a multiple personality reunion tour.
It is really hard for me to see my sister like that.
It's not even a real disease, Max.
I think it's unfair that you gotta do all the work.
Can't Tara do some of it?
Tomorrow, I'm gonna talk to marsy's teacher.
We're still talking about-- we just thought a man-to-man thing
might be the way to play this guy.
Knock, knock.
Room for one more?
Oh, my God. You saved my life. Oh, piffle.
You're promiscuous. You aren't guarding your flower.
You mean a slut?
A girl who sucks and fucks?
I'm going to wash your mouth out with soap.
Hey!
Oh, God. I want out.
Are you hiring?
I'd like to fill out an application.
I'm sorry about Alice, but, honey, that's crazy.
Maybe from now on, let me dole out the punishment, okay?
I was just trying to help.
Don't you want to make a baby?
No.
♪ Open up the sky ♪
♪ this mess is getting high ♪
♪ it's windy and her family needs a ride ♪
♪ I know we'll be just fine ♪
♪ when we learn to love the ride ♪
♪ I know we'll be fine ♪
♪ when we learn to love the ride ♪
♪ I know we'll be just fine ♪
♪ when we learn to love the ride ♪
♪ good morning, my prince ♪
What are you doing, Alice?
I've been reading a tasteful guide to the French arts.
Chapter five says "wake him with your mouth."
The French arts?
Tips and tricks for the marriage bed.
How kinky.
If there's one thing I've learned
from your children over the years,
it's that whipped topping makes not so yummy things
taste yummier.
Cut it out, Alice.
No sex. Not even a beej.
Well, forgive me for being a pouty Patty.
But I feel very unbecoming right now.
Oh, come on, Alice.
What the dickens?
Why are we eating cereal on an Alice day?
Yeah, she was gonna make Mickey mouse pancakes.
How come she's not down here infantilizing us like usual?
Alice isn't in a great mood today.
Oh, I get it.
She had to strap on one of those giant maxi pads she wears.
Alice thinks tampons are of the devil.
She calls them "sin missiles."
What are you guys doing today?
I start work at barnabeez, dad.
Today, I get to shadow one of the regular bitches.
And if I do a good job,
I get to go on the floor for real next time.
I still don't understand how you got a job
without doing an interview.
Why? Look at me.
Yeah, but you do realize you need to be nice to people
to be a waitress?
I just think you're jealous because I'm gonna be rich,
and you're still gonna be wearing clothes
that make you smell like meemaw.
Vintage.
Hey, dad, I have an audition today.
Really?
You mean you're going to tryouts?
This isn't Hollywood, marsh.
It's a high school production of grease.
What are you gonna be, a pink lady?
I'm going for kenickie.
Good luck, son. Mm-hmm.
Why are we eating these ghetto, tore-up cheerios?
I mean, they come in a bag.
Because the non-ghetto ones are $1.50 more
and taste exactly the same.
Mom? Almost.
Thank Christ.
Can I get you anything?
A toaster waffle? Shot of patron?
I'm good.
I just need some help...
Joining the dots.
♪ My country 'tis to the ♪
♪ sweet land of liberty ♪
♪ of thee I sing ♪
I can't believe they're mounting such a trite production.
I wanted to do no exit.
Even something mainstream, like Miller,
or, God forbid, Wilder would be preferable to this.
Sex-crazed Bobby soxers?
It's not even good on an ironic level.
So who do you want to be?
Sandy.
- Thank you very much. - Next.
* and I am telling you... *
Jason Maurio's auditioning?
No way. I think he's just on crew.
I always assumed he was dumb,
you know, based on the whole santana fetish.
But his take on rashomon in film class last week
was pretty good.
I bet.
"Duh, it was all, like-- like, backwards and shit?"
I think he's nice.
* I don't wanna be free *
♪ I'm stayin' I'm stayin' ♪
♪ and you and you ♪
Hey.
♪ You're gonna love me ♪
♪ oh ooh ooh ooh ♪
Why is there lipstick on the dessert topping?
Oh, Katie was huffing.
It's not funny.
This is Alice's shade, Max. Fire and ice.
I'd know it anywhere.
I'm the one who has to scrub the lip prints
off the gin and the cooking Sherry,
and everything else she pretends not to drink.
Alice tried to get in my pants this morning.
So she's using props now?
I didn't take the bait, I'll have you know.
Hmm, I'm surprised.
Don't you have kind of a mommy boner for Alice?
Seriously, I don't find Alice attractive.
But you do look kind of hot in that one thing she wears.
What, that psycho pinafore thing
that makes her look like
the robot girl from small wonder?
Is that what you're into now?
You know,
kind of cute in a retro way.
You wanna fuck Alice.
That's messed up.
Who would want to fuck Alice?
You'd hit that.
I would not hit that.
You, on the other hand...
Yeah? Prove it.
Gladly.
What's wrong?
Nothing.
I'm just--I'm, you know-- a lot on my mind.
I'm tired.
Oh, okay.
No, hey.
No, it's okay. You have to go to work anyway.
I've gotta get to therapy,
and I've got that design consult with Charmaine's new boss.
Let's--can we try this later?
How's the new regime going? Or lack of regime?
I should say.
It's fine.
Well, it's chaos.
But, um, I still feel good about going off the meds.
You do?
Well, it seemed like there was no alternative.
You know, when I was on the halcyem,
I couldn't eat, I couldn't paint,
I couldn't fuck.
And the kids, how are-- how are they doing?
They're good, actually.
I think they're kind of relieved.
I'm kinda worried about Max though.
Yeah.
The alters have been, uh, well...
Coming on to him.
Really?
Alice wants me to get her pregnant and have a baby.
Alice is the one that's really old school?
Yeah.
Hey, have you ever wanted to fuck the dude?
Buck? No, fuck you.
All right, well, look.
If Alice has a baby, that's a real baby.
Like, you have to take care of it.
It's not some, like,
imaginary baby that just comes and goes, right?
It doesn't matter.
It's weird. I'm not doing it.
He made out with t, and then stopped himself, luckily.
And then Alice came at him with a can of whipped cream.
He says he respects our arrangement,
and didn't sleep with them, but I don't know.
I think he's tempted.
And yet, this morning, when I initiated sex,
he couldn't get hard.
So am I only hot when I'm a different person?
I mean...
How insulting is that?
Well, people desire what they can't have.
He can have me.
He can't have all of you.
The alters?
They're not me.
I envy your sex life, dude.
You know, it's like you got one of those
three-packs of cereal.
You get, like, a fruit loop, and a honey smack.
You just dump the milk in the box,
and then Chuck the ones you don't like.
Yeah, well, I ain't chuckin' anyone.
But I'm not eating that much cereal.
How is that even possible?
Hi!
Tiffany Saint John,
but you can call me tiff.
Ruben, Clay,
get off her. Off.
Come here. Sorry about that.
Tara.
Nice to meet you.
These are the kids. Come on in.
Oh, you are a bad boy.
Great space.
Oh, thanks.
Just got us a little something for us girls to nibble on.
Yeah, so, uh, you work with my sister?
Well, not so much work as a way of life.
I've been a part of the vita-self team
since I graduated six years ago.
Can you believe it?
Charmaine's enjoying it.
Yeah, you know, she is really growing as a representative.
Now, important things. What can I get you to drink?
Cab sauv, white zin?
It's never too early for me.
Uh, no, just, uh, some water for me is fine.
Okay.
I just got these new stemless goblets.
So modern, right?
I just think the regular kind are so stuffy.
Okay.
Uh, so you know, I could start by showing you
some of the murals I've done recently.
Saw your website already.
I'm in love.
Let's just dive in and talk concept.
How do you see me?
Well, I just-- I just met you, so...
Yeah, but, you know what I mean,
I'm, like, a pretty easy tell, right?
Young, professional single gal.
A little bit crazy. Sorry.
What?
Nothing, nothing.
Um, you know what I'm thinking is?
Tell me if I'm wrong here.
Something exotic.
You know, i want something
that says "this is not a condo in overland park, Kansas.
This is a condo in Guatemala."
Is that-- I'm a freak, right?
No, no, I love the hacienda look.
It's, um--
yeah, a street scene,
maybe throw in a couple brown babies,
now you're talkin'.
Salud!
Hi, I'm Kate.
I'm the new server.
I'm supposed to be training today.
Okay, I'm Tonya.
Gene.
Gene's gonna love you.
Really?
Good to see you again.
Gene Stewart, general manager.
We're glad to have you as a probationary member
of the barnabeez family.
Hi!
And thanks for coming in on such short notice.
Are you kidding? I am totally psyched.
Come on, we'll start the tour.
Oh, you're gonna have to get rid of this
before I let you on the floor.
This is a family restaurant,
not a, uh, rock record store.
Yeah, no problem.
Yo.
How was, um, your new job?
Awesome.
Hey, do you know when you order the salad at barnabeez,
it's actually not hard-boiled egg?
It's this tube of egg-colored stuff called eggular.
Oh, and they also refill all the condiments
with generic instead of heinz.
And they reuse the breadsticks.
But it's cool.
Did you know on a Saturday you could make $200?
What price dignity?
I don't know what you're talking about.
Hey, honey. Hey.
Is that the new thingie?
Yeah, the consult went great.
Charmaine actually did me a favor for once.
It's a mural too, not some boring bathroom job.
Artsy.
Mm-hmm.
I had this weird feeling though today,
like maybe Charmaine told this Tiffany woman
about me and my thing.
Charmie says she didn't, but...
I wouldn't worry about it.
I think we need new wine glasses.
Whoa, what are you doing?
I'm trying to get laid.
I'm sorry.
I have to get these concepts marked up.
I'm actually being productive here for once.
I'm productive. Do me.
Honey, I'm in the zone right now.
This is kinda what I need, you know?
Like, a chance to show that I can be functional,
and create,
and contribute something off my meds.
Okay, I'll give you space.
Thanks.
Go.
Hey.
Yeah?
You, me, tomorrow night.
I might even bring some props.
Tomorrow night.
Shit.
Hey.
Oh, hey, man.
I was wondering which you liked better,
abraxas or moonflower?
What do you mean?
Santana.
I wondered which album you like better?
I know most fans are pretty divided.
I know I am.
Oh.
Oh, 'cause of the t-shirt I was wearing yesterday?
You know, man, I don't really know any santana music.
My dad just picked it up for me at a concert.
It's comfortable, so I...
Oh.
But, hey, maybe you can play me some of their stuff sometime?
Sure.
So, uh, you trying out for this, or--
me? No.
No, I do a.V.
Lighting and design. That sort of thing.
Besides, grease is so lame.
It's so gay, right?
You know, I-- I'm working on this...
Experimental theatre thing right now.
We're still casting. You should come check it out.
Experimental? Yeah.
It's pretty cutting edge.
You don't see stuff like this in overland park that often.
Cool.
You know redeemer free church?
The huge thing off the highway 4?
That's where we meet. Come around 8:00?
Yeah. So...Yeah.
Should I bring anything, like movement clothing?
Nah, just your bad self.
Just my bad self.
So this part here, the water,
uh, would have kind of a trompe l'oeil type feel.
Oh, like a faux finish.
Kind of, yeah.
Like, uh, gives you the illusion of depth.
Oh, I need that!
Oh, I love it. I love it!
I gotta say, Tara. I am impressed.
You know, I mean, I know you've been through a lot.
But as they say at vita-self,
you've really powerjammed it.
You know, you've conquered it
with your creativity and your talent.
What are you referring to?
Oh, um, I know about the-- the mpd.
The multiple personalities.
Um, my cousin's best friend from college has it,
so I totally know all about it.
It's d.I.D., actually.
They reclassified it.
You know, the weird thing is,
is, like, I kinda feel like everyone has it,
you know, a little bit.
It's like, over the course of a day,
how many different women do we have to be?
You know, the work Tiffany,
or sexy Tiffany, or dog owner Tiffany?
You know, it's hard, right?
Hey, you guys.
Oh, hey!
Tara.
Oh, uh, Tiffany,
I just wanted to drop off the sales reports
from last week.
Yeah, you can just put them over there, sweetie, thanks.
Charmaine, can I talk to you for a minute?
Sure.
You told her?
It was a team trust building exercise, okay?
I mean, it was intense.
We were asked to share our greatest tribulation.
Your greatest tribulation, not mine.
You had no right. It was private and intimate.
My team leader was talking about his ass cancer, for God's sake.
I'm like ass cancer to you?
No.
Hey, guys.
Look, I did not mean to cause trouble.
I am so sorry. I was just--I was curious.
But, Tara, I want you to know something.
I live my life
by certain credos.
No cross talk and no judgment, all right?
So you can trust me.
Fine.
Okay.
I was molested.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, I know.
Oh, my God.
I'm stronger for it.
I'm actually glad it happened, in a way.
So yesterday we talked about conduct and hygiene.
Today, we get down to business.
Now, before you shadow Tonya,
I want to show you a few last-minute
things about our kitchen.
That's grambo. He has a glass eye.
Now here's an area of interest for all servers.
This is the pizzazzing station.
This is the last stop
for each order before it goes to the customer.
Now, it's your job, Kate,
to pizzazz it up.
This chart shows what 'zazz goes where.
Like it says in your packet,
it's the little deets that make a big diff.
Okay.
♪ I've been waiting in the corner ♪
♪ I've been sneaking down the hallway ♪ shit.
♪ I've been taking all the potions ♪
♪ get my share of every one ♪
♪ I get my share of every one ♪
Kate, great job today. Can I see you in my office?
Here's my office,
in case you're interested in upper management someday.
As you can see, life is pretty sweet.
Oh.
That's me with don dokken.
Wow.
When they come through overland park,
they want to eat at barnabeez.
Really?
Like, who's the most famous person that you've seen?
There's something I like to show every new employee.
Well, what is it?
You might have already heard this about me,
but I used to work at the ground zero barnabeez.
What?
The lower Manhattan franchise.
It was a block, maybe two, three blocks
from the world trade center.
I was the, uh, assistant manager there for a year.
Then, uh--
then shit got real.
What was it like?
It was horrifying.
I was in the Florida panhandle when I got the call.
I was visiting a buddy of mine
from restaurant management school.
Someone was able to grab this for me.
So what, did, like, anyone from the restaurant die?
Sure as hell could have.
Look...
I know I might seem like a real task master,
but that's part of my career.
I work hard, and I play hard.
Now, if you ever need anything,
or you, I don't know, just want to rap,
let me know.
Shit, uh, that was my last match.
We're gonna have to monkeyfuck.
Tara, I believe we have a date.
Hell house?
Is that the name of the play or something?
Oh, my God, I've heard of these.
Hell houses.
They're like haunted houses,
except they're run by a church,
and instead of Dracula, and monsters, and shit,
it's all freaky jesusy stuff.
It's homophobic and anti-feminist,
and it's not theatre.
I--ugh, I'm outta here.
Wait, could we not jump to conclusions
for five minutes?
Hey.
Thanks for coming. Hi.
Hey, man.
Uh, is this a religious thing?
Technically, yes.
But it doesn't matter if you're Christian.
It's acting.
It's way more hardcore than anything
you get to do in school.
I guess.
Hey, you can trust me.
Are you cool with taking off your shirt?
We need an aids patient being flogged in hell.
What are you doing here, buck?
Uh, I think your old lady got a little gun shy.
Why's that?
Never had any problems in the bedroom before.
That's the one place we're not fucked up.
Well, Tara thinks you want to get busy with the alters.
T and Alice, I mean. Not me.
We know you ain't no homo.
Anyway, she thinks you been bangin' her
while she wasn't her, you know what I mean?
Yeah.
It's tough.
Because I just want Tara.
I understand why she doesn't want me
to sleep with the alters.
She's not even conscious.
Oh, hell. It ain't all that bad.
If I were you, I'd take fair advantage
of the situation.
Oh, really?
Yeah, remember that chick I scored with last year?
Runs the, uh--the snack bar down at the bowling alley?
Man, she was drunk as fuck,
but I didn't let that stop me.
Of course, I got crabs.
Yeah, I remember.
We're men, you know?
We just need to stick it in somewhere.
Ladies are different. They got highs and lows.
You just gotta ride the lightning.
I guess.
Me, I take it where I can get it.
If I hadn't have got my dick blown off in 'nam,
I'd be gettin' it regular.
You weren't in 'nam.
You're on thin ice, maxie.
Now what you wanna watch on the idiot box?
We got ufc or porn.
Uh, porn, I guess.
What kind?
I got big girls, black girls,
big black girls,
amputees. Amateurs.
Heck, ain't we all?
Wow.
The short and curlies on a fine filly.
Look at these big giant titties.
Look at the size of that.
Is that real? Juiciest jugs.
This bitch is cool.
Oh, my God. That there is a golden shower.
Don't look at me.
Where do you get this stuff?
♪ God throws darts at stars in the night ♪
♪ I had a kite ♪
♪ you had a trampoline ♪
♪ and a bmx bike ♪
♪ you didn't even like ♪
♪ I don't want to say ♪
♪ it's breaking my heart ♪
♪ but I don't know where to start ♪
♪ old friends are falling apart ♪
♪ and time ♪
♪ like a name on my mind ♪
♪ cover them both in wine ♪
♪ I miss the straight, straight lines ♪